The Devil Wears Target

Marjorie: "Hope you'll hire me as an assistant. I would require 401k matching and dental."

Me: "Sure."

Marjorie: "Thanks, biatch!"

Me: "I take my coffee half caff, no foam, light steam, one Splenda. Thanksssss."

Marjorie: "Light steam, WTF. I am not mother nature."

Corporate America, Part II

Marjorie "Ugh, I know how you feel about those conference calls. Sometimes I literally have them from 8am-4pm straight. Like I give a shit what people have to say!!!!!"

Corporate America

Marjorie: "Guess who got promoted :)"

Me: "Yay! Congrats!!"

Marjorie: "Thanks! I had been planning my 'fuck you' speech if I didn't get promoted!!!! It was pretty good, too; kinda sad I can't use it."

Me: "Use it on me: hey Marjorie, YOU DIDN'T GET PROMOTED."

Marjorie: "FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER. Okay, that wasn't it. But my speech is better felt in person. Come visit and I'll tell you off!!!! It'll be like old times."

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Marjorie: "Be right back!"

-------------

Marjorie: "Back like Britney!"

Me: "Oh, it's you."

Marjorie: "Two can play this game."

Me: "What game?"

Marjorie: "Ugh I am not going to lower myself to explain this to you!!!!"

Narcissism

Me: "NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU."

Marjorie: "RIGHT. HA. Keep telling yourself that as you're wreckin' homes and taking names."

Me: "What does that even MEAN?"

Marjorie: "If you don't know then you'll probably never know and that sounds like a personal problem!!!!!!"

Me: "OMG YOU'RE A FREAK OF GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS."

Marjorie: "Now that was just rude. Get your attitude straight!!!!!'

Me: "I will break you like a stick!!!!"

Marjorie: "Get your mind right! Okay, so online shopping at Zara starts tomorrow!!!!"

Shopping & Shipping

Marjorie: "I got my bonus, so that [bag] may be my splurge! Your gift got lost in the mail."

Home Sweet Home

Me: "Are you still in another country?"

Marjorie: "No, I'm in D.C. now!"

Me: "Holla for some dollas."

Marjorie: "Knuck for a buck!"

Gmail

Marjorie: "That ad from Costco is still up there. I don't think I'll be 'finding the right job for me' there."

Me: "Don't be so negative."

Anatomy

Marjorie: "That sounds legit."

Me: "You bet your balls it's legit!"

Marjorie: "My balls?! Bitch, I wish you would!!!!"

Texting

Marjorie: "Ooooh tries meet. UGH, trueskeet. Fucking auto correct!"

Me: "Hahaha I was like, what?"

Marjorie: "That shit pisses me off!!"

Me: "Ugh I know."

Marjorie: "One time I told my friend she had 'baggage' accidentally. And the sad thing is, she DOES."

Thanksgiving

Marjorie: "My hair is wrapped, wearing my PJs, and I'm searching frantically for cornbread mix. All time low."

On the Prowl

Marjorie: "I was invited to a singles mixer. So help me God."

Me: "You should go."

Marjorie: "This is the beginning of the end for me."

A.K.A.

Me: "I thought of a new nickname for you!"

Marjorie: "What?? Fabulosity?"

Me: "Marj and In Charge!"

Marjorie: "I like that!!!"

Me: "Don't say I never did anything for you!"

Marjorie: "Ho, sit down!!...and thank you."

Zooey Deschanel

Marjorie: "I still can't get into this show [New Girl]!!!!"

Me: "LOL, calm down. It'll be okay! No one said you had to be into it."

Marjorie: "I need a Xanax!!!!"

My Heart Will Go On

Me: "Titanic is on TV with one mister BILLY ZANE."

Marjorie: "Did he bitch slap Kate Winslet yet?!?!"

The Big Apple

Marjorie: "Are you going to be in NYC this weekend?"

Me: "Depends....who wants to know?"

Marjorie: "Look here, homewrecker, I'm coming up tomorrow for that concert; leaving Sunday at 5pm. If you're not going to 'be there,' you can and will be replaced!!!!"

Me: "Ohhh....yea. I'm going to be....out of town. In....Bangladesh."

Marjorie: "I wish you would go there!!!!!!!!!!"

Alcohol & Race Relations

Me: "Oh my god, I am so incredibly hungover."

Marjorie: "You better get un-hungover real fast!!! I'm trying to get crazy and locked up this weekend! JK....I will NOT be a statistic."

Voyeurism

Marjorie (on a balcony, looking into the window of another building): "Why is that man dancing with a baby?!"

Brian & I: "Pretty sure he's rocking it to sleep...."

Marjorie: "Really? Ugh, whatever. From here it looked like he was busting a move!"

Oprah

Me: "People cry when they meet Oprah."

Marjorie: "What? Why?!?! Maybe Gail...."

I.O.U.

Marjorie: "How much do I owe you?"

Me: "$191.50."

Marjorie: "Okay. A hobo will come to your door tonight, knock twice, then cough; at that time, look outside your window....and follow the chalk line to your money."

Jet-Setting, Part II

Me: "I didnt realize you were leaving so soon [for Uzbekistan]."

Marjorie: "Yup....my life is loco."

Me: "When are you back?"

Marjorie: "April 2nd, and thennnn leave 6 days later for India."

Me: "Good god, woman."

Marjorie: "I know."

Me: "Are you still an American?!"

Marjorie: "I can't tell you what I am....only what I feel. And that is hot."

Jet-Setting

Marjorie: "Uzbekistan better appreciate my House of Harlow platform booties."

Fashion Emergency

Marjorie: "I'm having a quarter life fashion crisis!"

Me: "About what?"

Marjorie: "Uhhhh FASHION. Sometimes, I wonder about you."

Me: "WHAT IS YOUR CRISIS."

Marjorie: "CALM DOWN DR. PHIL."

Hair Care, Part III

Me: "I need a new hairstyle."

Marjorie: "A new hairstyle? WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. ALL CHANGES GO THROUGH ME. Get a weave!"

Me: "You're a freak."

Marjorie: "You're a bitch!"

Damaged

Marjorie: "Guess who is bumpinnnn to some Danity Kane up in this bitch?!"

Boredom & Concern

Me: "Ugh, please entertain me and help me get through this day."

Marjorie: "Hmm OK. The other day I saw a hobo like chasing after a woman, yelling about his dreads. I was like umm I do NOT have time for this, Forever 21 is about to close!!! So I crossed the street....I hope that lady is OK."

Footwear, Part II

Me: "40 degrees is not frigid! It was like 18 degrees here."

Marjorie: "Well, cold enough to justify getting new boots!"

Me: "What DOESN'T justify new boots for you???"

Marjorie: "Hmm....war and famine."

Me: "I'm sure you'd find a way for that too."

Marjorie: "True. I would have to buy them to lift me up from the horrors of the world!!!!!"

Smooth Jazz

Marjorie: "Krista is watching foot porn and listening to Kenny G. You heard it here first."

Me: "Hmm somehow I don't believe you.

Marjorie: "Look - maybe I lied about the first part....but she is listening to some Kenny G. type shit for REAL."

Me: "I'm guessing you'd get Kenny G. and Coltrane mixed up."

Marjorie: "It was COLTRANE? Ugh who cares, they are both old and shit."

Betrayal, Part II

Marjorie (to Krista): "YOU ARE BETRAYING ME. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING."

Betrayal

Me: "Krista is giving me dirt for your blog."

Marjorie: "WTF. That turncoat."

Keys & Leather

Krista: "I'm gonna get a spare house key from Emily."

Marjorie (while watching True Life: I Have a Foot Fetish): "I'm gonna do Dom work."

Krista: "What?"

Marjorie: "Dominatrix!"

Smoke & Steam

Me: "Can I iron my shirt?"

Marjorie: "I don't have an iron, but I'm about to get in the shower - do you want to steam it while I'm in there? Is it 'steam'? No wait, that's not right....do you want to smoke your shirt while I'm in the shower?"

Me: "Uhhh you were right the first time...."

Covert Ops

Me: "Are you actually in the CIA? I'd believe it."

Marjorie: "If I told you, I'd have to kick your ass, bitch."

Footwear

Krista: "Did you know Marjorie wore thigh-high stiletto boots to Ikea?"

Marjorie: "I HAD TO BREAK THEM IN!!!"

Pilgrims, Hobos & the American Revolution

Marjorie (holding a piece of wood over her shoulder): "Hey look at me, I'm a pilgrim!"

Me: "....how are you a pilgrim?"

Marjorie: "You know, those people who used to tie little sacks to the end of a stick and carry it over their shoulder!"

Me: "Do you mean a HOBO?!"

Marjorie: "Ugh, WHATEVER, you know what I mean, like Paul Revere!"

Gifting

Marjorie: "My sister wants to get my aunt a fake LV bag for Christmas. Trife!"