The Devil Wears Target

Marjorie: "Hope you'll hire me as an assistant. I would require 401k matching and dental."

Me: "Sure."

Marjorie: "Thanks, biatch!"

Me: "I take my coffee half caff, no foam, light steam, one Splenda. Thanksssss."

Marjorie: "Light steam, WTF. I am not mother nature."

Corporate America, Part II

Marjorie "Ugh, I know how you feel about those conference calls. Sometimes I literally have them from 8am-4pm straight. Like I give a shit what people have to say!!!!!"

Corporate America

Marjorie: "Guess who got promoted :)"

Me: "Yay! Congrats!!"

Marjorie: "Thanks! I had been planning my 'fuck you' speech if I didn't get promoted!!!! It was pretty good, too; kinda sad I can't use it."

Me: "Use it on me: hey Marjorie, YOU DIDN'T GET PROMOTED."

Marjorie: "FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER. Okay, that wasn't it. But my speech is better felt in person. Come visit and I'll tell you off!!!! It'll be like old times."

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Marjorie: "Be right back!"

-------------

Marjorie: "Back like Britney!"

Me: "Oh, it's you."

Marjorie: "Two can play this game."

Me: "What game?"

Marjorie: "Ugh I am not going to lower myself to explain this to you!!!!"

Narcissism

Me: "NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU."

Marjorie: "RIGHT. HA. Keep telling yourself that as you're wreckin' homes and taking names."

Me: "What does that even MEAN?"

Marjorie: "If you don't know then you'll probably never know and that sounds like a personal problem!!!!!!"

Me: "OMG YOU'RE A FREAK OF GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS."

Marjorie: "Now that was just rude. Get your attitude straight!!!!!'

Me: "I will break you like a stick!!!!"

Marjorie: "Get your mind right! Okay, so online shopping at Zara starts tomorrow!!!!"

Shopping & Shipping

Marjorie: "I got my bonus, so that [bag] may be my splurge! Your gift got lost in the mail."

Home Sweet Home

Me: "Are you still in another country?"

Marjorie: "No, I'm in D.C. now!"

Me: "Holla for some dollas."

Marjorie: "Knuck for a buck!"

Gmail

Marjorie: "That ad from Costco is still up there. I don't think I'll be 'finding the right job for me' there."

Me: "Don't be so negative."

Anatomy

Marjorie: "That sounds legit."

Me: "You bet your balls it's legit!"

Marjorie: "My balls?! Bitch, I wish you would!!!!"

Texting

Marjorie: "Ooooh tries meet. UGH, trueskeet. Fucking auto correct!"

Me: "Hahaha I was like, what?"

Marjorie: "That shit pisses me off!!"

Me: "Ugh I know."

Marjorie: "One time I told my friend she had 'baggage' accidentally. And the sad thing is, she DOES."

Thanksgiving

Marjorie: "My hair is wrapped, wearing my PJs, and I'm searching frantically for cornbread mix. All time low."

On the Prowl

Marjorie: "I was invited to a singles mixer. So help me God."

Me: "You should go."

Marjorie: "This is the beginning of the end for me."

A.K.A.

Me: "I thought of a new nickname for you!"

Marjorie: "What?? Fabulosity?"

Me: "Marj and In Charge!"

Marjorie: "I like that!!!"

Me: "Don't say I never did anything for you!"

Marjorie: "Ho, sit down!!...and thank you."

Zooey Deschanel

Marjorie: "I still can't get into this show [New Girl]!!!!"

Me: "LOL, calm down. It'll be okay! No one said you had to be into it."

Marjorie: "I need a Xanax!!!!"

My Heart Will Go On

Me: "Titanic is on TV with one mister BILLY ZANE."

Marjorie: "Did he bitch slap Kate Winslet yet?!?!"

The Big Apple

Marjorie: "Are you going to be in NYC this weekend?"

Me: "Depends....who wants to know?"

Marjorie: "Look here, homewrecker, I'm coming up tomorrow for that concert; leaving Sunday at 5pm. If you're not going to 'be there,' you can and will be replaced!!!!"

Me: "Ohhh....yea. I'm going to be....out of town. In....Bangladesh."

Marjorie: "I wish you would go there!!!!!!!!!!"